JD’s Biker Movie Reviews
VOL. 5 “ Chopper Chicks in Zombietown”
By: Jim Dugger
This month’s cinematic monstrosity is the 1989 flick Chopper Chicks in Zombietown. Since October is the month of Halloween, ghosts and ghouls and of coarse Zombies. I’ve chosen this flick only in honor of this month, for the spooky and scary, the grotesque and macabre. To bad this movie doesn’t deliver a single shriek. This movie has everything else under the full moon. It is a bubbling caldron of drama, comedy, romance and action all done in a spoof kind of way. Mix in motorcycles, lesbians, a musical number, a mad scientist, a midget henchman, blind orphans, zombies and cheese. And man does this have cheese!
This is out of the Troma Entertainment stables, which is famous for making movie’s on the premise of “ its so bad its good”. It’s only a Troma movie by default, they bought the rights for distribution purposes only. Troma flicks also have over the top titles such as “ Surf Nazi’s must die” and “Fat Guy goes Nutzoid”, just to name a few. With a Troma flick you expect silly gags, gratuitous sex and gore. Although I found this flick to be somewhat comical it fails to deliver on the rest.
It does have some notable and recognizable actors you will know and some you know you’ve seen somewhere else. First of all is Billy Bob Thorton plays Donny, the ex-husband of one of the biker gals. Don Calfa plays the mad scientist/mortician. He has a long list of films such as “ Return of the living dead” and “ Weekend at Bernie’s “. As well as a long list of roles in 70s & 80s sitcoms such as Barney Miller, Colombo and Beverly Hills 90120. Hal Sparks plays Lance, a blind orphan. He’s best known for hosting Talk Soup and playing Zoltan in “ Dude where’s my car”. Ed Gale plays Bob the dwarf, best known for “ Howard the Duck” and O’Brother, where art thou”. Jamie Rose plays DeeDee, best known from “ ER” and “ Chicago Hope”. Lycia Naff plays T.C, best known for (3 breasted hooker) in “Total Recall” and “ Lethal Weapon”. Martha Quinn plays Mae, best known as one of the original VJ’s on MTV.
Our story starts out with our biker gang “ The Cycle Sluts”, riding into the small desert town of Zariah. They need some R&R and need to find some “meat”. After some arguing, Rox (the leader and self-proclaimed bulldyke) tells them to stop fighting, yelling “ You’re sluts start acting like it”. The town’s population is getting smaller everyday, because a mad scientist/mortician and his dwarf henchman are killing the town’s folk and turning them into zombies. They’re making them work in an abandoned radioactive mine. (Why? They never explain this). The sluts ride by a funeral-taking place on their way into town (pretty funny scene-notice Billy Bob Thorton digging a grave in the back ground). The sluts arrive at a diner and start making trouble.
Cut-to a little boy looking for his dad and discovers the mine, and releases the zombies. He becomes their first victim. We now see the broke down bus of blind orphans and learn they are pissed at the world and that the driver keeps an Uzi machine gun under the seat for “sentilmental reasons”. They get the bus running as the zombies approach. (There’s this crazy carnival/circus music with a slide whistle that plays whenever the zombies are on the move. (Pretty funny!) Meanwhile back in town, the sluts are causing trouble, DeeDee finds her ex-husband and the rest go looking for some “meat”. Lucille is killed and turned into a zombie by the mortician and Bob the dwarf is trying to kill Dee Dee. Rox goes into a bar where the townspeople are having a wake and changes the music on the jukebox. She breaks into song and starts a provocative dance and dry humps the jukebox. (ALA Joan Jett) By now the gunweilding townspeople are fed up with the sluts and wants the out of town. JoJo pulls a grenade, uses Donny as a human shield so the sluts can make their getaway. (The movie jumps all over the place from bar to Martha Quinn’s house to funeral home). And what about the zombies you ask, there still coming. They’re very slow zombies.
The sluts are now fighting with each other, some want to leave and some want to go back, kick ass and find sluts left behind. A catfight ensues, its Roxes bullwhip against DeeDee’s switchblade. The zombies surround the blind orphan’s bus. Don’t worry Lance has found the Uzi. (Remember a Uzi in the hands of a blind kid is still a dangerous weapon). Bob the dwarf now tired of the mortician’s abuse joins forces with the slut’s and arrives in a hearse and rescues the orphans before there bus explodes. The zombies now in town are reeking havoc. They are dancing, eating, drinking booze, driving cars, pushing a lawn mower and trying to eat the townsfolk. (Didn’t I mention it’s a comedy)? The townspeople ask the sluts to help get rid of the zombies and are willing to pay, claiming, “they can’t kill their family and friends”. The sluts now help themselves to some implements of destruction from the hardware store. They use a baseball bat, a propane torch, guns, a chainsaw, a garrote and even a staple gun. (If you staple a zombie’s mouth shut it can’t eat you, Duh!!!) The sluts kick zombie ass and heads roll. The mortician shows up and gives the zombies some guns to protect themselves and they start fighting back. Rox returns and as fireworks are exploding behind her she uses a flare gun to finish off the zombie horde.
But wait, that was just the first wave (and you thought this ridiculous shit was over). The sluts get some meat (the cooking kind) from the butcher shop to lure the zombies to the church. They also pack a ice cream truck with meat and explosives. They use the blind orphans as bait and the kid’s are singing “ Oh Holy Night” as the zombies enter the church. The mortician blocks their escape as DeeDee smashes through the wall in the ice cream truck. The sluts and blind orphans escape, but DeeDee and Lance are now trapped. Luckily Lance still has the Uzi. They manage to get to the bell tower before the church explodes. All the zombies are destroyed.
The next day the sluts make Lance and Bob the dwarf honorary sluts. The townspeople pay the sluts and a couple guys become bitches, get on the back of the bikes and the sluts ride off. They stop and place explosives in the mine to finish the job. As they ride off Rox is throwing the money into the air and we see a zombie with a boom box walking through the desert. THE END!!!!
The films title promises a campy horror film but fails to deliver. It does do what it’s intended to do, just check your brain and good taste at the door. It was a nice change to switch the genders around, having females be the badass biker gang, causing trouble and using men for sex or whatever else they want. The cinematography, production and direction are done in true 60s and 70s B-exploitation style, cheap and shabby. The plot and writing are done badly, (on purpose I think). The acting is true exploitation type, over the top hammish and amateurish. Being big haired, tight leathered and tight chapped “Cycle Sluts” there’s not enough sexual innuendo to satisfy a teenager, a pervert and much less me. You’d think there be a lot more. The music is OK, I’ve heard much, much worse. The thing I found most enjoyable was the dialogue and silly ass gags. I left out a lot of the in between funny dialogue and gags you’ll have to see for yourself. If you have a sense of humor and some sense of irony you will enjoy this flick. I have a perverse sense of humor and am a glutton for punishment and found this flick funny and entertaining. Essentially it is totally absurd and not for everyone is a silly good time nonetheless.
This flick is only 86 minutes long, so get some friends, some cold ones and a large bowl of candy corn (YUCK!!!!) sit back and enjoy the ride.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE AND PLEASE RIDE SAFE!
Til next month,